Quick Hit.

Just saw that my cousin is taking her family to the Indianapolis Children's Museum. Not sure if I think that's just a strange concept, (a place for Old Children???) or if I should be a featured exhibit.

Americas Next Top Blog Post

Has everyone seen the tumult that resulted from the casting call to Americas Next Top Model? If not, check here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fjpwTWbAyQ 

When I first saw this I thought to myself, now there are some girls that didn't get enough attention growing up. Why else would they be there killing each other to become pseudo-famous? Well, after thinking about it, I got another bright idea. I could literally feel the heat from the light buld over my head. Old School incandescent. I don't cotton these new CFL's.  You see, this whole thing was surprising to me, because I was under the impression that  parents these days gave their kids ALL kinds of attention. Isn't that what Dr. Spock teaches? It occured to me that the problem wasn't lack of attention at all, but Too much!!!

A friend told me a while ago that he has to praise his daughter every time she has a bowel movement. As if it was the most amazing thing in the world. I overheard a co-worker of mine talking about her 1 year old baby. She was beaming with pride that her child was walking. Bragging even.  Umm...barring some unfortunate disability, don't we all learn to walk? What her baby did was I'm sure, exciting for her, but it wasn't special. Not even a little bit. 

No one sets out for their kids to be average though. There's a reason average means what it does. At one end of the scale are the truly special. If your kid can speak three languages and give you a reasonable opinion on current state of Mid-East affairs by the age of 8, then yeah...your kid is amazing. Your job is to teach some humility! If on the other hand, your kid falls at the other end of the spectrum, teach them to try hard, and to be the best they can. Most of US though, fall into the great Ocean of the Average. There's nothing wrong with it. It's the way it HAS to be.  

Just don't over praise your kids people! It's gonna make them feel a little entitled and a whole lot of crazy. I'm not saying to underwhelm your kids with love and support either. I know it's a fine line to walk, and it's one of the MANY reasons I don't want to have kids. Please just love your kids for who they are. Even if they are not a little wunderkind.  Average is the new Awesome!!!! 

Not of this matters much anyway. I see super smart people who fail miserably and am stunned by the success I see in  some others. Who really knows how it all works. I just want to get back to when a young girl was "discovered" by a "talent scout" at the mall. Who, of course, had sex with her. Viola! A New Model!! No cattle calls. No un-reality TV shows. No TYRA!!!!!!!

It was a simpler time.

Children Of The Corn (tortillas) or How I Beat the Meat.

As you know I have been a fan of the Jack in the Box Monster Taco. Sadly it was discontinued a few months ago. This week I found out that they offer a New and Improved taco combo. This one consists of....count em...3!! tacos. These are miniature versions of my old favorites. Baby tacos if you will. I ate them and they were pretty much what I expected. When I got home I decided to google JitB to see how many fewer calories I had just wolfed down. Well, surprise!! These 3 tiny tacos actually pack more calories than the Monster version I was eating before.


This got me thinking about my strange relationship with fast food in general, and more specifically meat. I am an admitted weirdo when it comes to meat consumption. I don't eat chicken. I don't eat pork. I don't eat beef, if it's say....a steak, or a roast. But for some reason i Love me some fast food cow parts. The only meat I eat is processed so that it can be served fast and hot! It's usually on a bun, but sometimes a tortilla. The more I thought about it, the more i was disgusted with my diet. SO......as of.....and my time line is off here....2 weeks ago I am now a vegetarian. YAY me! I can't swear that I have been eating any healthier, but I am sure that I am eating less. Eating at home makes portion control a lot easier. Plus I have mixed in a few green veggies instead of the french fries I was having before. Honestly, they are what I miss. I haven't even noticed the missing meat.


I can't say that this will last for ever, but I do feel like I have really made a change. I'm sure that as i grow older some wise scientist will find that meat is the secret to longevity. I always zig when I should Zag. I have never been one to do what's "right" or popular anyway. Just what feels true to me.


Wish me luck with my new meatless life. If you happen to know any cows, let them know that they have one less enemy to worry about!

Umm....Thank You. I Think.

Have you ever received a compliment that made you feel worse than if you had never heard it at all? Worse, not because of the message, but because of the messenger. I was riding my bicycle through the fine little Hamlet of Exeter this past week. It's a small town. When I cycle through the downtown area I usually ride in the middle of the road with the traffic. This keeps me visible and hopefully safe. Well, I was riding along when the car coming from the opposite direction came to a rolling stop next to me. The woman driver had an "I'm lost" look on her face. I assumed she was needing directions so I stopped to help. When we pulled next to each other there was an awkward pause while I waited to see what she wanted. It seems she was not lost, but just wanted to tell me that "Those are some sexy legs." Umm.....thanks??

Now I don't want to speak ill of this lady. But she was Old. I would guess that she was from between 5 and 20 years older than me. I have never been good judging age. Now, I'm not an ageist. I won't say that she was unattractive...(I don't want to be mean)...but she was for sure not my type. So I just said thanks and pedaled my way out of there.

I know she meant to be nice, but for some reason I feel like the attributes of the messenger reflect on me. Older....a few degrees short of hot....Is that me? If Hitler told you that you were a Hell of a Guy, how would you feel about that? I'm not saying this lady hates Jews or has her eyes set on world domination, but still.

As I rode on home I thought about compliments in general. Do we need them? I know I don't. I always feel like they are phony or have some mysterious  motivation. I know that sounds like I have low self esteem or something but I don't. I LOVE myself. I just wonder why anyone else would care one way or the other. Do most people need a ego boost from random compliments? They shouldn't. Self love should come from within. Who cares what other people think? In my perfect world everybody would be responsible for their own ego and Schmoozing would just be bad form. I know it would never work. Some guy trying to get laid would break that compact in no time at all. That's why Socialism won't work. Somebody will always try harder and screw things up for the rest of us. 

Or, maybe she was just coming on to me. Who knows. 

I do want to say though, that if you are reading this (and you are) than you have Amazing Taste and must be an Awesome Person.

Karma Redux

Today I saw a Sweet BMW. I like a nice German car. When I walked by it, I saw that the license plate frame said, "I am THAT Barbie, the bitch that has everything." Uggh! I hate those things. To make a pronouncement like that makes you look Petty. (Perhaps she should be taken to an empty field and beaten) Not to mention shallow, greedy, and possibly ugly. When I rounded the car, I saw that she had a Handi-capped Placard hanging from here rear view. Damn. The nice B'mer AND access to all the best parking. Maybe she does have everything. Great parking aside, I smiled at the fact that her rotten attitude had been enough to bring the Wrath Of Karma. Nice. 

As the day wore on, I thought more about it.  Something was bugging me. Now I am all for not letting a disability keep you down, but how could some one so afflicted have the audacity to claim that she's the bitch that has everything?  Is she an amazing woman who lives her life to the fullest even with a disability? Or, is she just trying to over compensate by having STUFF? I don't know if I love her or hate her.This is probably not politically correct, but I believe in treating everybody equally, so I have to say that I am at best, not a fan. (way too many commas there) What ever her motivation, the message on her license plate was just crude. 

So to the Bitch that has it all, I hoist a libation in your honor and say to you, I have everything! Everything I WANT that is. I hope that you have that some day too.

Tomorows Energy

I have been suffering mightily from allergies. They are making me so miserable. You know the usual stuffy head and itchy eyes. Lately though, they have left me with barely a scintilla of energy. I have taken many medications, and had varying degrees of success. Even with the daily pills, eye drops and nose sprays (not to mention a study IV drip of diet Coke) I am still miserable and exhausted. I might have found a solution for my energy crisis though.

 I was watching ESPN classic.  They were running some old school wrestling from the mid-eighties. My favorite announcer, Gorilla Monsoon, was calling the action. It was and Epic battle between Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka and Sargent Slaughter.  Snuka had landed a hard right hand to the chest area of the Sarge when I heard Gorilla scream "Oh My! Right in the SolarPlexus!" That got me to thinking. First, is that even a body part? It is. I looked it up. Second, How great would it be, if our bodies had a Solar Panel of some sort? I keep hearing that Solar is the energy of the future and I am ready! Bring it on. I'm tired of being tired. If we could some how harness the power of the Sun on an individual level it would solve a few  problems. 

1)Fatigue. The obvious energy level boost would be amazing.  (in the daylight at least)

2) Obesity. If we were energized by the Sun then no need for food. 

2b) World hunger. See #2

3)The Economy. With lots of energy and no time wasted eating, the GDP would skyrocket!

Of course, I'm sure skin cancer would be on the rise. There's a price to pay for everything I suppose. 

This is the future I'm hoping for. For now though I just wish I could kick these allergies. Maybe I will start wearing a mask, much like the Sweet retro grappler The Great Mysterio! Then I would challenge Allergies to a loser leaves town match!  If I lose....I will leave and go to a place where nothing grows. I suspect either way, I'm a winner.

Excuse Me, Do You Have The Time?

Who decided that we would let the government be in charge of something as important as TIME itself? The recent change to Daylight Savings Time has me massively tetchy! Anyone that has ever been to a DMV office, where time moves as slow as molasses, knows that the government has issues with the Time Concept itself. Every spring, this crazy Leap Forward gets me started thinking about the meaning of time. Time travel. Time Shifting. Life itself. It frazzles my brain quite honestly. The fact that we can all come to an agreement to just up and change the time makes me wonder if time even exists at all. The bigger issue is, this all really F's up my sleep! Jet lag without the benefit of travel. There's nothing like waking up, feeling out of sorts only to find you are  in your own bedroom. The shadows are falling in different spots, but there's no denying that you are where you were!  

The good news this will all pass in a few weeks and then I will be able to enjoy the great long summer afternoons. I do love that. Of course, come fall, we get to do this all over again. 

So to you, Mr. Head of the Presidents Special Sub committee on Time Shifting and F'ing with Chris' head......PLEASE stop. Now that the days are long.....leave well enough alone. Feel free to pass this on to your congressman/woman!!

CURSES!!! Spoiled again. And again.....

I have never much believed in curses. If you pressed me, I would probably say that I still don't. I have been wondering lately though, whether maybe....just maybe, I have been jinxed. Have ever heard the Chinese curse "May you live in interesting times" ? Well, The Times They Are A'Interesting. War. Stock market meltdown. The Sober House. It's a seriously F'd up world. Makes me long for the more pedestrian days of MUSIC on mtv and my pathetic three percent returns. (Seems there is always war) 

The thing is, I barely know any Chinese people. I'm pretty sure none of them would want to curse me either.  Come to think of it, that's a pretty messed up vexation. If you drop that bad boy on someone, it's most likely going to cause chaos for MANY people. It's hard to live "interesting" times on your own. It does lend itself to the possibility that I am merely caught up in some other poor souls curse. Damn. We are all trapped in it I suppose. Maybe that's how this whole crazy world works. It's said that everything is circular. What if, the truth is that some one was cursed, causing things to turn to crap? And then, when that person finally kicks the bucket everything mysteriously turns around.  I guess the moral of this here little ditty is to be careful who you wish damnation upon. Never underestimate the Butterfly effect. 

 Or, things ARE random. It's always possible that nothing we do really matters as much as we would like to believe. It's still bad form to curse people though! 

I do believe that things will get better. They always do. Hopefully I (and you) am not the cursed one that has to die to bring it all about though.

Time Out

I just discovered that my Dad has a Myspace profile. It's a crazy world. When I clicked on it there was a picture of Pops right there. He looked OLD! (sorry dad, if you're reading this) I should add that I haven't seen him in quite some time, as we live many states apart. It occurred to me that it's not Time that ages people, but separation. The thirty years that I lived near my Dad I can't say that I saw him age at all. My wife? I think maybe she's getting younger! When you see some one every day it's hard to notice the little signs that life is gaining on us. Slowly, but surely. It's mildly depressing. It did give me an idea though. Keep the people you care about near you. See them often. You will hardly notice as age begins to show on their faces. Added bonus, you won't look old to them. The corollary, see people you don't like as rarely as possible. Then you can make fun of how Worn out they look. I'm not sure that this is the actual cure for aging, but it does seem like pretty good life advice anyway.

Smashed Potatoes And Broken Dreams

Once I had a brilliant idea. ONCE! I have had many good ideas in my life. The number of bad ideas is innumerable. Most ideas I conjure up are just inconsequential. But once....once. I was sitting one day eating my favorite food. The potato. I don't remember if it was mashed, fried, boiled or baked. It didn't matter. I loved it. Seriously, my love of the spud is legendary if you know me, or if you live in Idaho. There they call me Job Security.  Anyway, I was enjoying a potato one day when I had my ONE brilliant idea. I want to open a restaurant that serves nothing but potato dishes. Imagine it!!! The number of amazing dishes that come to mind are too numerous to type. Use your imagination. SEE!!! There are so many right? It would be SO great. 

Well, I was listening to the radio the other day when I heard a commercial for "The Valleys only Potato bar." It's called The Hot Potato and it killed my dream.  I know that I can't be the only tuber lover around, but I thought I was the most clever. Guess not. Somebody beat me too it. Uggh! Story of my life.

I however always try to look on the bright side of things. I can now go to a Potato bar!!!! Holy crap! I can't wait.  I'm also trying to be more self aware and honest with myself. I have to admit I am a procrastinator. I am pretty sure that MY version of the Potato bar would never have seen the light of day. For a few reasons:

1) I am not a great cook.

2) Never tried, but probably not a great business man. 

3) I'm lazy. Yep I gotta admit to that one too. 

I am glad someone had the imagination and spunk to open this new place. I don't see how it could be bad. I mean....Potatoes! Hello??? So to the Great Human Being that brings me (and you) this fine establishment I say Hooray for you. The early bird gets the worm. Hmm...and I hope some Potato Pancakes.

Karma Are You Out There?

I have always been a quasi-believer in Karma. I find it comforting to think that if you do the right thing and treat people well, you will be rewarded. Better still, if you are rotten, you get yours in the end. A big Karmic SmackDown!! I hope that it works like that anyway. Otherwise what's the point of it all? 

A few days ago I bumped into a girl that I half-knew from way back in the nineties. I never liked her. Possibly the reason I only HALF knew her. She was never beautiful, but she SO thought she was. The chick had a bad vibe!  Now I have to admit that she WAS alright looking. No amount of good looks can justify a "I am so special" attitude though. I am embarrased to admit that when i saw her this week I was SO happy to see that she was a wreck! She had gained a few pounds. (who hasn't?) She also looked very wind-burned. Like she had driven through the desert with her head hanging out of the car window. I loved it. I know Karma would not appreciate that kind of thinking but I can't deny how I felt. 

Luckily, Karma made sure to let me down today. So I won't worry about the bad JooJoo I should get from enjoying the trouble of others. I happened upon ANOTHER girl I knew from around that same period of my life. You know, mid AIDS....pre meth. Around the time I stopped listening to Kriss Kross and started enjoying music by people who played instuments. Anyway, this girl was always very nice to me. Quick with a smile and good for a laugh. A real Peach!  Sadly, she was MORE than a wreck. All of the positive energy she gave off back in the day could not save her from her fate. She was using a walker. She looked ill and I think she might have grown a hump on her back. Damn you Karma!!  Why have you let me down? 

My real worry is that Karma doesnt exist at all. I realise as I write this that I am really talking about God. And one of the great unanswerable questions. Why do bad things happen to good people? It's always been a bit of a bugaboo for me. I want to believe but that one simple question as always made it difficult. 

I am hoping that Karma is just a better judge of people than me. It's quite possible that Girl #1 Got exactly what she deserved. And girl #2?? Maybe she was violating small animals with a chocolate Zinger when nobody was looking.  That would make the hump seem justified. I really do want to hold on to Karma! If it's as real as I hope, I think I will be sleeping on my back tonight, because Karma may not owe me a SMackDown, but a violation with a RingDing might be warranted.